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Friday, December 25, 2020

Decemystery (2020) Bonus Entry: Czechoslovakia Dong Wrangler

 

Merry Christmas, dear reader! I hope you’ve had a wonderful, happy day and that you got everything you wanted for Christmas. Me, personally, I got a copy of Dune and some other wonderful things. It’s been a happy, awesome day and I wish to end it off on a note that will forever be remembered as one of the most ridiculously funny things you’ll ever read. So, without further ado, let’s talk about… uh… the Czechoslovakian Dong Wrangler.


The Story


First things first, we must ask a simple question: why is there a second cryptid related to male genitalia?


There is no answer to that because reasons. Now then, the Dong Wrangler (as I will call it) has its origins rooted in the 1930’s back before the Czhech Republic and Slovakia weren’t fused together as one nation. It was back during this time that there were reports of a creature/human that could “wrangle multiple dongs” at once by a couple that visited the nation. How exactly they ended up learning of this creature, I cannot tell you. There doesn’t appear to be a documented report of this based on my minutes of Googling. In fact, there’s barely any documentation of the creature. The only thing I could find is a podcast called Conspiracy Therapy. It seems like a decent enough show by the way and I would recommend giving it a listen.


Now, why this creature decided that it should go around wrangling male genitalia, I don’t know, but the introduction of the aforementioned podcast, Conspiracy Therapy, has a fairly humorous bit where they speculate on why it is. I didn’t listen to the entire episode though, so it’s possible that, in this write-up, I missed a bit. However, based on my own research, there isn’t much to this creature.


In fact, there’s so little to it, that’s all I can really find on it. The only other thing that I can find is something called the Czechoslovakian Gong Wrangler, which appears to be a riff on the Dong Wrangler. The origin to it is I believe from the Create-A-Cryptid Wiki. Initially, I thought this may have implied the creature wasn’t real, but a moderator stated the following:


I deleted it because I was just confused on what it was actually supposed to be, because it was the exact thing as the real one (just gong instead),but now that it is expanded it's fine. Also, yeah, mutations are fine, just not occult, and I might reconsider extraterrestrials.


Because of this, I figured that the Dong Wrangler was, in fact, a real legend. Though as far as my incredible detective skills can tell, the legend begins and ends at something going around wrangling dicks for reasons unknown.


Now for a crummy part: I’m opting to put this as the conclusion of the story. I haven’t the faintest idea as to where this creature’s legend begins or possibly even ends. So, I think it’s best if we just hop into the theories. Say geronimo!


Theories


1. It’s a real dong wrangler


For our first theory, we have  the theory that the Dong Wrangler was, in fact, real.


Okay, if we’re going to go over this theory, we must first ask ourselves: what exactly was the dong wrangler? Well, truth be told, I have no idea. There isn’t a description of it—which is why I didn’t touch upon it during the story. There’s literally nothing to dictate what it looked like. Nothing exists; I haven’t the faintest freaking idea if it was humanoid, a giraffe, alien, mutant, school bus, or Alexander Graham Bell. It’s a complete mystery as far as I’m aware, though the “Gong Wrangler” creation states that it was a mutant. Whether or not that drew inspiration from the real story (if there even is one), I don’t know.


Now as for the idea of it being real, I don’t exactly know how this creature would have gone around wrangling dicks. That is, as far as I’m concerned, a mystery too. In fact, the entire concept of the creature being real seems to be shrouded in mystery. Given there’s only the claim of a couple visiting Czechoslovakia and learning of the Dong Wrangler, I’m heavily inclined to believe that this theory is likely not true. Though maybe it is the truth. I haven’t the faintest idea to be quite honest.


2. It’s a legend


The second theory is that it’s just a legend.


Given the lack of encounters, stories, or basically anything else, the idea that this creature/human/whatever is a legend seems the most plausible. I mean, there are a great many stories about absurd things (you needn’t look further than Old Spider Legs) to see that there are some pretty crazy legends out there. So, I think it’s safe to say that this theory is the most likely. Though who knows, maybe there really is a dong wranglin’ dong wrangler wearing Wrangler jeans, driving a Jeep Wrangler out there.


3. I just wanted to add a third theory


ON THE THIRD DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME THREE BROKEN CAPS LOCK BUTTONS, TWO PHALLIC CRYPTIDS, AND A SINGLE DEAR READER.


My Take


I think the Dong Wrangler is nothing more than a local legend. Nothing about it exactly screams realistic, more just a folkloric creature that became well-known during a period and was probably used to keep young boys in line. If you need a clearer picture, there are stories of creatures that come around at night that will take misbehaving children away if they don’t do their chores, eat their vegetables, or simply listen to their parents. I think the Dong Wrangler is something like those entities.


With that said, may I just ask the question: who on Earth would create a creature like this? I don’t mean that in a negative way, I just want to know how exactly this thing was conceived. Maybe the Conspiracy Therapy episode goes over this, but it’s so bizarre. A figure that can wrangle dicks at will. That has to be one of the most absurd things I’ve ever read. Though I think the Oviedo Dick Monster is weirder.


On one final note: there’s strangely nothing on /x/ about this creature. So it would appear this creature’s legend isn’t quite as extensive as the dongs that this thing would have wrangled. I’m disappointed in that to be honest. I would have expected some great memes from there. Oh well.


Conclusion


I swear, if there’s a third penis monster out there, I’m going to assume that 4Chan is creating these things.

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