Movie Review: Chaos (2005) (NSFL)

 

Before I get started on this review, I want to make two things very clear. The first is that there will be spoilers for the entire movie. So if you, for whatever reason, have the intention of watching Chaos for yourself, do be warned. The second thing is that those spoilers are wildly NSFL, so if you have a weak stomach or simply don’t desire to have your day involve gratuitous violence, gore, torture, and/or rape: you may want to gloss over this review. No, I won’t be making an SFW version of this review because, simply put, that would be a few words long and nothing more. I sadly don’t think that would even be worth posting as a joke either since, well, this movie does have a history with it (to an extent). Anyways: for everyone else, let’s begin the little introduction to this dumpster fire of a movie.

Chaos was a movie that’s been on my radar since I was a young teen. I own a book written by Roger Ebert called Your Movie Sucks. It’s a great book and compiles all of the movies that Ebert truly disliked. In the preface, Ebert makes note of a back-and-forth he got into with this movie’s director, a man by the name of David DeFalco. DeFalco was a wrestler, and why he became a director is beyond me, but that’s besides the point. What is the point is that DeFalco didn’t take kindly to Ebert’s ridiculously scathing review of Chaos. If you want to read about it yourself, just click here to read the section on Wikipedia.

Anyways, it was because of this that I always had a bit of interest in watching this movie. I knew of the really shocking, awful elements involved and as a result: I did admittedly go into this knowing that the movie was going to try to appall me in every possible way it could. Not that I think it matters too much given the post boasts that it is the “most brutal movie ever made”. More on that in a bit because woo boy is that title unearned.

Getting back to the whole “curiosity” aspect: I’d contemplated watching the movie for a few years now. I was going to view it last month, but because of Decemystery 2021, I thought it would be a bad idea to watch a movie when I was in the middle of writing about, well, mysteries. Then, last night, I decided to finally do so; I’d been telling him about how the movie is the second lowest rated film on Metacritic, just narrowly being beaten by Dinesh D’Souza's Death of a Nation, and I contemplated if it was truly worthy of being dethroned by it. As a result, that was finally the kick in the rear I needed to watch it…

Boy, I really wish I hadn’t bothered. This movie is certainly worthy of the notoriety it’s gotten. Though not for every reason it’s earned it. Come along, dear reader/moviegoer, it’s time to talk about David DeFalco’s Chaos.

A Kinda-Sorta "Plan" for 2022 (I Make No Promises Edition)

 

Happy new year! I honestly wanted to have this up on New Year’s Day, but I didn’t do it because I was lazy and really wanted some time to just relax because Decemystery 2021 really wore me out. However, I’m only a few days late, so all is well.

Anyways, this isn’t really going to be a “plan” so much as just me talking about stuff I want to do, plus addressing some little things that I hope to also do during the year. So if you’re interested in seeing what that stuff and those things are, click the “read more” button. Otherwise… don’t. Though I will be mentioning when I’ll begin to post content again!

Decemystery (2021) 31: Charles Jevington, the Man Who Befriended Aliens

 

This was originally intended to be the capstone entry for last year. However, when it became apparent that my depression was getting increasingly worse, and my desire to write was hitting rock bottom, I scrapped it and replaced it with what would become N.U.G.E.T.. In hindsight, I did like the story since it was really unusual and, in my eyes, is more than worthy of being a capstone entry. At the same time though, it annoys me that I broke my promise to not do any conspiracy theories for that year’s Decemystery.

Granted, I did make up for that with this year’s outing, but at the cost of having a lot of the same topics. I covered a ton of cryptids (which isn’t necessarily abnormal), unexplained events, and a fair few UFO/alien stories. I blame this mostly on me getting a very late start on writing Decemystery; the medication I started taking in October ended up causing me to stop writing for a solid month, so what should have started in August and ended by the end of September or middle of October ended up being dragged out from early November into December. So the statement in the T-Rex write-up about me spending time with the family wasn’t at all true.

Still, in spite of all of that, I still consider this year’s Decemystery to be the best I’ve done. It isn’t perfect, and there are a lot of stories I wish I had the time to do, but I still view it as something I’m truly proud of. It’s more or less what I had wanted last year’s Decemystery to have been. It featured a bunch of stories that I found truly intriguing, and it had me feeling extremely happy with each and every story.

At the same time though, I feel I definitely overused the ObscUrban Legend Wiki for stories. Because of that, if anyone thought that it was lazy of me to simply poach stories from there, I’m truly sorry. I put my heart and soul into each write-up, and I did everything I could to add to those stories, so I wasn’t simply parroting what was written there and calling it a day. I hope I didn’t upset anyone by not trying to find stories from other sources (be it a book, forum, or elsewhere).

So with all of that out of the way, let’s get into today’s story. It’s without a shadow of a doubt one of my favorite unsolved mysteries ever. I precisely remember where I first heard it, but I think it might have been when I was reading an article on Mysterious Universe. If it wasn’t there, it might’ve been something on a website like Listverse.

I digress though. The story in question is that of a man named Charles Jevington. His story is one of the most fantastical to ever be told. It’s a story of a mysterious disappearance, an equally mysterious return, friendship, extraterrestrials, astronomical revelations, and ridicule. So, to end off this year, let’s dive into the story of a man who befriended aliens.

Decemystery (2021) 30: Los Angeles John & Jane Doe (1921–1951)

 

Let’s be honest for a moment: teenagers do some really stupid things. There is absolutely no denying that—it’s kind of a part of being a teen (in my eyes at least). I mean, I did some stupid things. I rebelled against my parents, I acted like I knew everything there was to know, and I thought I could do and say anything I desired without consequences.

That, naturally, backfired, and I learned a lot of harsh lessons.

Lucky for me though, I’ve since learned my lesson (for the most part) and have become a better person. Well, I’ve at least attempted to become a better one. I sure as heck am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and am still a deeply flawed human being, but I no longer try to pick fights with hornets and light fires inside my own home.

Yes, I actually did the latter one. Admittedly, I did that as a pre-teen, but I thought that fire wouldn’t burn as fast as it actually does.

Err, well, anyways: all of that brings us to today’s story. Teenage tomfoolery/stupidity is the name of the game for today. You see, the Los Angeles John & Jane Doe both made a big oopsy daisy and now have remained unidentified for upwards of a century. Let’s find out why.

Decemystery (2021) 29: The Giant Space Brains of Palos Verdes

Remember when we talked about the Long Prairie Cans? Remember how I said that there were two stories—one of which was the one about the cans—and how I picked both? This was the other one. In hindsight, I should have covered this one before I posted the Gargantuan Globulous, Kinnula Humanoid and Arboreal Abomination write-ups. The only reason I didn’t was I thought this was perfect for one of the final stories. Oh well, no harm, no foul.

Anyways, today’s story is known as the Giant Space Brains of Palos Verdes. With a name like that, it shouldn’t really come as a surprise that it’s not only the craziest extraterrestrial story I’ve come across, but it’s also truly one of the most insane stories I’ve ever come across, period. So come along, it’s finally time we talk about these… things.

Decemystery (2021) 28: The Red Devil-Bat of Chester

Bats are not exactly the most appealing creatures on the planet—in my opinion at least. They’re prone to carrying diseases, they look really creepy, and one once got stuck in my chimney and made a racket because it couldn’t get out. Though hey, some folks like them. To each their own, right? Right.

Anyways, let’s get right down to business. Today’s story will bring us a new kind of bat. It’s called the Red Devil-Bat of Chester (heck of a name), and it lives up to its name. Besides being a devilish creature that scared the bejeezus out of those who saw it, it was also red and from Chester. So let’s get this hellish story on the road!

Decemystery (2021) 27: Octosquatch

Ever look outside and just wonder to yourself, “man, I wonder what lurks out there”? I know I have, but that’s because I have nothing else to really think about outside of whether or not Skull & Bones will ever release.

Seriously, I doubt that game will ever see the light of day.

Back on topic though: I’ve always thought about the forests and oceans of the world and what secrets they hide. Whether they be the Pale Crawlers of the land or the sea serpents of the waters, I’m adamant that there are creatures we don’t know about, that are far more fantastical than just some random hairless bear or log floating around.

Though what about the weirder ones? I mean, Pale Crawlers are already weird, but there are things like El Chupacabra. The bipedal version of it has spikes running down its back and can release a screech that is able to make you fall asleep; it’s unlike anything I’ve ever heard of. Then there are Fleshgaits, which can shapeshift. Indeed, the realm of cryptids can be really outlandish when you move beyond your standard hairy hominids and even hairless humanoids.

Point is: there are some really bizarre cryptids out there, and today’s story is no exception. Known as Octosquatch, this fiend has only been seen once, but the impression it’s left on me is massive. So come along, it’s time for more mysterious goodness!