Decemystery (2020) 7: Mokèlé-mbèmbé

This story is dedicated to my friend Marcus. Sorry it took so long to get around to covering this.

Howdy, this is RMS Vertigo and we’re sailing down a river. Mud and dirt is being torn up because we’re about thirty-five times the legal size for a small river and there are a ton of really pissed off hippos chewing at the steel hull of this bad boy. We’re committing illegal acts of sailing the likes of which we haven’t seen since the era of the pirates and I feel perfectly fine.

You see, dear reader, in this world: I can be whatever I want. I can be an astronaut dancing on Venus as the immense heat makes my flesh melt off. I can be the King of Arcadia and on my way to Atlantis. I can also be an author who doesn’t sit on his bed typing out write-ups that about five people read on the daily.

Lucky for me, I am none of those things and am instead sitting here eagerly awaiting to tell you this story. It’s one that I’ve had on my to-do list for almost as long as the Somerton Man, though I never got around to it more out of pure laziness rather than time constraints or anything of that sort. I feel a great sense of disappointment not having tried to slot it into the last two days of that failed May series I did, but alas, emotional distress overtakes all—even the determination to make something out of the Cookie Monster.

Anyways, what is this fiendish cryptid? Well, It’s a relatively famous cryptid that’s been featured in films like 2019’s Godzilla: King of the Monsters and on shows such as Destination Truth. Its legacy is up there with the likes of the J’ba Fofi in the way of local legend, but its real selling point is that it’s a living dinosaur. Yes, Jurassic Park is real and if we all go to Africa and bless the rains, we too can have the RMS Vertigo crash into a living fossil. Woo-hoo!

Okay, well, let’s finally get to it. This cryptid is known as Mokèlé-mbèmbé and its reputation is as long as its neck. So come, let’s continue on down river and get trampled on like a Wal-Mart employee on Black Friday. Awooooooooogaaaaah.

Mystery: J'ba Fofi

Theraphosa blondi—better known as the Goliath Birdeater or Goliath Bird-eating Spider—is the largest spider on Earth, with legs that can reach up to a foot in length. The Huntsman Spider can be larger however and is typically considered the largest spider by leg-span.

The image of those two spiders alone is enough to invoke nightmares. However, both aren't dangerous to humans. The Huntsman Spider can cause swelling and be painful, but it won't kill you. The Goliath Birdeater on the other hand can barely break through your skin and may not even release venom when it does so. Nonetheless: the size of those two spiders alone is enough to trigger a panic attack. That is, until you wonder: could there be spiders that are even larger?

Earth's a mysterious place. Each year, we discover many new species of animals and plants, which is a good reminder that we don't know anywhere near as much as we think we do about our home. Coupled with the history of reports of giant earwigs, birds, ants, octopi, squids (which turned out to be true), sharks, and so on: the concept of a giant spider isn't too far fetched—is it?

Maybe, maybe not. There is a cryptid that's said to be a giant spider: J'ba Fofi. It's associated act is Mokele-Mbembe; the names of both cryptids hail from the same the native Baka people. Unlike the latter however, J'ba Fofi didn't appear in 2019's Godzilla: King of the Monsters.