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Sunday, October 11, 2020

Conspiracy: Real Humans Died Out Millennia Ago


How goes it, oh dear reader? For me: it goes swimmingly. The weather’s gotten so much cooler, the autumn breeze feels like paradise on Earth, and most of all: I’m writing! I’ve also been cited on Reddit and /pol/, so that’s really cool too.

Speaking of Reddit, I was snooping around on the thread where someone had linked my 2006 Volleyball Incident write-up (which remains my most popular one to date and it makes me so glad to know that I wrote something of merit). It was on this post that I shamelessly advertised myself and acted like a hotshot for about 3 seconds in real life that I decided to find some material to write about.

Scrolling through the post, there were a lot of great ideas. Sentient soy (soyface.jpg anyone?), The Simpsons is real footage, pancreas denial (I can hear a good friend of mine ripping his hair out and flying to the United States to kick me in the stomach until my esophagus is ejected from my back), and God’s Last Wish were but three that I floated around. Alas, they weren’t chosen as I have absolutely no desire to cover them. Well, maybe I’ll cover the one on The Simpsons sometime soon.

After this, I gave up for a few and stared at the ceiling reconsidering my life choices. I wondered why I bothered writing and suffered from a melodramatic episode where I angrily punched the wall and broke my knuckles. Okay, all of that is a lie, I scrolled up to the top of the page and looked at the top comment. It was asking what exactly real humans died out millennia ago was about. Such a notion like that is ripe for creative fiction and for speculation. So today, let’s go over it. This is in no ways pandering to the entire post in hopes that I garner more of a following. No, really, it isn’t. I’m just bored and want to cover something silly. So come along, dear reader! Let’s cover this weird theory and see if reality is weirder than we think it is.

The Story

Oh crap, I’m actually covering this.

Okay, well, here’s how this theory goes—to the best of my understanding. There are a few variations, so we’ll go over each of them. The first is that humans come from Mars. Like a reverse Red Faction, mankind lived on Mars and it went to hell (unfortunately, Mick Gordon had yet to be born, so there was no sweet soundtrack to follow around a pissed off human). The reason for it going to hell is typically attributed to a major conflict or a lack of resources. Indeed, Mars used to be paradise and as such, it became paradise lost. This is fitting given there’s a theory that Mars is the Garden of Eden—but let’s save that for another day. For now, let’s focus on Mars having once been more than just a barren wasteland of rust.

After Mars went tits up, we decided to go to Earth. Some say that we all came here while others say that some did while the rest stayed on Mars. Upon arriving, we discovered humans and we did what we do best when we find something unfamiliar: we killed them! Like Patrick Bateman, we talked about how great an album was as we applied an axe to their head. Hey, Paul!


So anyways, after we got rid of those pesky humans, something very weird happened and the exact reason has never been clear to me. The general idea/gist of it is that we devolved. Why that is exactly, I don’t know. Granted, most of this theory is very speculative in nature, but the most plausible idea is that differences in how to go about gaining resources/establishing colonies on Earth led to us regressing a lot and as such, we had to rebuild. Others posit that we restarted due to the lack of resources we brought with us and had to go full Ted Kaczynski; basically live without technology and had to work with what Earth had to give us.

Whatever you believe, we eventually adopted the title as humans for whatever reason and ultimately are now on Earth while those on Mars are doing whatever Martians do. Given that there are theories that we have ships that go to and from Mars, it’s likely that the colonies/bases/homes/whatever on Mars are still alive and kicking. Why they’re being covered up though is something I don’t know. If you subscribe to theories about the Deep State, Shadow Government, New World Order (NWO), Illuminati and other malevolent groups that control the world, it’s possible they want to keep us “humans” subjugated so we don’t revolt or descend into chaos like Mars did.

Before we advance any further, I want to address something important here. Exactly why we went from being able to travel through space to using horses to pull carriages is never adequately explained in any theory—at least from what I can tell. As such, while I will address the next two versions to this theory, I won’t go over why exactly we went from being able to traverse the cosmos in a few hours to taking days to traverse from one city to the next. I guess it’s true: the bigger they are, the harder they fall.

Now, that’s but one idea. The next one is very similar, but instead of coming from Mars, we came from another planet in a distant galaxy or solar system due to war or to simply colonize Earth. However, we were either met with resistance from humans or we opted to just exterminate them and took over. By and large, it’s the same deal, but the idea of the NWO or Illuminati covering up the truth to prevent another war is instead replaced with them covering up the truth because reasons.

Moving on, the third variation is that we are actually a savage race of aliens that conquer planets and we butchered humanity and now go by humans because they’re known to be generally peaceful. This is not unlike the theory of Reptilians that David Icke talks about; the race of shapeshifting aliens that allegedly control the world.

So what exactly is the truth; which version is right? Well, if you want the truth: I don’t know. While I’m sure most people would say that all three are bunk and leave it at that, I’m not here to place judge, jury, and executioner of this theory’s legitimacy.

No matter which version you abide by though, the theory always boils down to the same deal: humanity died thousands of years ago and now the real humans are the friends we made along the way. Wait, that’s how that goes, right? No? Whatever, you get the idea.

So is there anything else to back this theory up beyond what I’ve said? Well, from what little I know: no. There are many claims that we originate from Mars; I believe that David Wilcock—a very prominent proponent of the Secret Space Program (which I promise we’ll talk about sometime in the future) theory and QAnon—has talked about this before. If he hasn’t, just click here for some Bing results. I would rather talk about the idea that we’re from Mars in its own write-up. However, as for evidence that we came from elsewhere and killed humans? There’s little, but there are some theories to the theories, so let’s get to them.

Also, yeah, the story’s done. Man, I’m on a roll with poor structure today.


1. We’re not really human

To kick things off, let’s cover the most obvious theory: we’re actually lizard people from Nibiru who took over the planet from the real humans and now we’re actually humans.

This theory is accepted by some, though even a fair number of truth seekers out there view this as being rather nonsensical. While some think we’re from Mars, I’d say the vast majority still believe that we’re human and not something else. As for those who actually buy into it, I’d hazard a guess and say it’s less than 1%.

Most will also point to this theory being pushed by “bad faith actors” or shills. If you’re unfamiliar with either, it amounts to people who work for a government agency or are paid by shadowy entities that control the world to make real truth seekers (or as we know them: conspiracy theorists; I like to be unbiased, don’t sue me please) look like lunatics. Alex Jones, the creator of the ever-so controversial Infowars, falls into this category for some folks actually.

2. We’re actually human

The theory of the skeptic, the rational fellow, and as stated above: most truth seekers, this theory posits that we’re in fact human and we have nothing to hide other than the secrets that we keep from those we know and love. What else is there to say? Well, those who do believe that we aren’t human would probably call you a shill, a sheep, and some other names. So to them I say: keep on seeking the truth, bud.

3. We’re kind of human

This theory is one that I made up myself since I don’t know if anyone has ever put it forward. The idea is one that I’ve heard thrown around for people who think that the Earth is hollow or that aliens live in our ocean[s]. The idea in the way of aliens living in or on Earth is that their race is dying and they interbreed with us humans.

My little idea here is that we interbred with humans and became who we are today, but both humans and our race (whatever they may have been called) ultimately died off and now we’re this peculiar hybrid that we know today as humans. This, in turn, left us not knowing how to operate the machinery/technology that we came here with and we had to evolve from primitive Neanderthals and now, we’re still nowhere close to being able to travel from here to the Andromeda in one sitting of James Cameron’s overrated, overlong Titanic.

Of course, this is merely something I thought of. As far as I know, it isn’t a real theory. If it is, then whoops. Oh well, let’s move along.

4. It’s a troll conspiracy

The fourth and final theory is this is but a troll that was made up to fill a slot on an iceberg meme.

Like Golf Rumors, Golf Rumors, and G.O.L.F. Rumors, the idea that humanity was taken over by us was made by a 4chan user for a good kek. It took off in its own way and now here I am. It’s a nice ole’ Sunday in October, I’m on my bed, I’m listening to Signs by Tesla and signs, signs, everywhere there’s signs. Also, I’m talking about this.

Look, in short, the theory posits that this is nonsense.

My Take

I don’t think that real humans died out thousands—or even millions—of years ago. Not in the slightest. While I think it’s an idea that would make for an extremely cool sci-fi story, I think that the idea of us coming from Mars, Nibiru, or whatever planet you want to say we came from is nonsensical at best.

With that said, while I think it’s nonsensical, I’d like to stress that my take is just that: my take. If you believe this theory to be the truth, I cannot and will not take that away from you. I’d also encourage you to do your own research and not take my word as gospel. I think that a lot of people in this world fail to maintain an open mind and instead blindly follow the word of others. You’re your own person and you must keep that. I believe it’s imperative that you always do your own research.

In short: I think this theory is total rubbish, but don’t take my word as the unabashed truth. You should look into it yourself. It’s possible and heck, it’s plausible, that I overlooked something. I’m only human after all!


As is the case with any conspiracy-centric write-up, I love to have fun and treat them in a much light-hearted manner. So if this seemed all over the place, I’d been yearning to have a bit more fun and play around. If you’re looking for something much more serious, I’m hoping that the next write-up will be a stark contrast to this one; preferably something related to an unidentified person. However, that’s not set in stone. So until that day, as per the norm: stay safe, stay happy, stay healthy, and stay human. Also, stay open minded. The world could really use more folks like that,


  1. You’re hilarious & this was a lovely read. Thank you!

    1. Thank you so much! Your kind words mean the world to me, and I hope you enjoy my other word (should you choose to read it)!