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Tuesday, April 27, 2021

Writing Hiatus


Okay, this is a decision I should’ve made over one month ago, but I was hesitant to do so because I swore I would get the help I needed.

I need to put all writing on an indefinite hiatus because of my emotional state. I’ve been in a very deep depression lately. I’ve been playing video games dang near all day, but not because I’ve felt lazy. Truth be told, I’ve felt awful no matter what I do. Read, talk to my friends, watch movies, play the aforementioned video games, sleep, anything. I’ve tried to seek out medical treatment, but the local hospital turned me away because apparently, taking five Xanax and going around accusing friends of conspiring against me isn’t bad enough to warrant hospitalization. Nice work, New York.

Despite this, I went ahead and tried to find other forms of treatment. However, local therapists are booked up until October and changing my medication would be difficult due to how long I’ve been on it. So where does that leave me? Well, writing has been difficult; I can’t really do much without becoming immediately exhausted or depressed. This actually helped me to realize how Noah “The Spoony One” Antwiler must feel in his attempts to make a video, but I digress. I have found a bit of solace in working out, so I’ve taken that up in place of writing. I’ve gained a bit of weight and I don’t want to become overweight, especially since I’m at a great risk of that with how much more I have been eating.

So where does that leave me overall with this blog? Well, I don’t want to abandon it. Writing is the one thing I feel I’m really good at in life. However, I don’t want to self-destruct like Spoony has and become a 24/7 whiny twit[ter user]. So, I’ve come to the conclusion that I should just not write and focus on self-improvement in whatever way I can until I get proper medical treatment. I know this may seem like cowardice to some, but I don’t want to devolve into a worse mess than I’m already in. Suicidal thoughts are anything but uncommon as it stands and if I stress myself out too much, I worry I actually will harm myself—especially when I have a history of attempting it.

The most that I may post on this blog are movie and video game reviews in the meantime. I think that would at least let some people know the blog isn’t dead. Alas, other major write-ups aren’t going to happen until I can get back on my feet. Which I should say: I promise I won’t give up on getting better. Trust me, nothing hurts more than not being able to write. I feel like I’ve let everyone who’s a fan of this blog down by not putting out that megalist or anything else. I’ve beaten myself up to no end for letting my bipolar go unchecked. I feel like a disgrace and for that: I apologize—a lot. You all deserve more from me than a lack of content.

If you wish to beat me up—or to simply keep in contact with me so we can talk one-on-one about various things, I do have a Discord account. Vertigo#0022. If not, that’s fine too.

So, until next time (which will probably be next month when I post what I hope to be monthly updates on my condition), I hope you all stay happy and healthy. God bless you all.

  • Vertigo


  1. hi! i randomly found this while exploring but i just wanna say that i really appreciate the effort you put into your work and that i love the way you word things!! i hope you get the help you deserve and ilysm <3

    1. Well, that's very kind of you, s1nnamon. I greatly appreciate it. :)

  2. I am sorry to hear about you situation and I hope you'll get the help and strength to get well again! I'd hate to see what happened to one of my favourite creators the Spoony One happen to another of my favourite creators too due to mental unwellness. Breaks my heart... Rest up and get well! 93 93/93

    1. The reason this even happened is, simply put: no therapist or hospital ever called back to schedule an appointment with me. As such, I've been stuck on my own, dealing with this chaos. So, if you want to blame anyone or anything, blame the absolutely abhorrent state of the mental health industry in New York/the United States.

      That said: I promise you, I won't let what happened to Spoony happen to me. That's my greatest fear; I'm hoping to at least write smaller things sometime soon-ish (though no promises there). I've been playing World of Warcraft again, which means I'm interacting with one of my closest friends. I haven't done this in months, so I take that as a sign of improvement.

      Now if only I could stop feeling so depressed. -.-