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Sunday, February 14, 2021

Valentine's Day Special: Simping and You

 A brief warning: this write-up contains discussion on sex, nudity, and having less self-respect than someone who would roll around in fecal matter for five bucks.

Why hello, dear reader. As I’ve said in the whole one other write-up I’ve done this year (which was a movie review; just look below this post), I’ve been working on a megalist. No idea when it’ll be done, but hopefully soon! However, given the past few years I’ve done a Valentine’s Day special, I thought I would do one this year too. So come along, let’s take a trip over to the wonderful of Discord to explore simping.

Ah Discord. I spend a great deal of time here. If you don’t know what it is: it’s basically a platform that was created for video gaming, but ballooned into a sort of social chat room that’s become beloved by many. For me: I’ve made many friends, lost many more, and have made tons and tons of memories. Good times all around, though we aren’t here to talk about that. No, we’re here to go discuss that. No, we’re here to talk about the lovey-dovey angle of Discord.

You see: given that Discord has become so big, it’s only natural that there is a server for everything. Video games, music, Reddit, 4chan, racism, and even dating! Yes, there are dating servers, and one of the biggest is known as “Playroom”. I’ve been a member of it since… well, I honestly forget. I deleted a lot of my old messages, but it’s sometime in early September of 2020. Though I’ve barely used the server for its intended purpose. Rather, I just post stupid stuff on there like:

Lf girl to partake in extreme saucy RP where I take on the role of US Senator Bob Menendez and they play as Ivanka Trump. Any and all women who are interested, contact me via DM and let's make role-playing great again.


LF gf to RP as Skyrim character while I'm Todd Howard telling her about how Elder Scrolls VI will have 16 times the detail on breast physics.

Oh, and then there’s this one, which actually got a response:

lf someone to roleplay as CDPR as they get fucked over by lawsuits for their unfinished video game. I'll be the lawyer fucking you.

So did this one:

Lf gf to go innawoods and get eaten by a Fleshgait or Wendigo with. Must have at least 3 years experience with firearms and/or spoop hunting guidelines down to a T.

Yeah, I don’t think I’m gonna score any women with how I advertise myself (doesn’t help I use the nickname of “A Fleshgait With A Computer”), but that’s okay because the server itself operates more like a brothel than a real place to find a date. A lot of the members request nudes and for others to rate their penises and tits, so it’s really not ideal for actual dating. Believe me, I tried for the first few days, but I ultimately got nowhere because most women were more interested in finding simps.

For those unfamiliar with the term “simp”,  it’s basically applied to someone who lavishes another person with money and gifts in order to get attention; it’s kind of like spoiling someone you aren’t in a relationship with in order to have them notice you. While that may seem innocuous, a lot of simps end up spending hundreds or even thousands of dollars in order to have a hot chick or hot guy notice them, but never end up scoring anything more than a “aw, thank you”. It’s kind of sad to see, but hey: some people are that desperate for affection.

I, personally, have never really gotten the appeal of simping. It seems like a way for a girl between the ages of 18 and 25 to act like a child and have orbiting drones who will do nothing but protect their queen—only this time: the queen is a functioning adult who leeches off of desperate men. Though, I shan’t be sexist: some simps are women.

So why am I mentioning this? Well, I was curious as to what the mentality of a simp is; I wanted to experience for myself if there’s any satisfaction to shelling out money for nudes in exchange for some sort of product. In order to achieve this gloriously stupid goal, I decided to forego any and all shame, dignity, and self-respect. So I promptly considered eating my own shoes and decided that was way too dignifiable compared to simping. So, without a second option, I opted to allocate a whole $20 in order to simp with. Immediately though, I encountered a problem.

There was absolutely no way anyone who was advertising their nudes was actually a woman.

You see: the ratio of men-to-women in Playroom is somewhere between 3:1 and 6:1. Not helping matters is there are people who masquerade as women in order to catfish bisexuals and lesbians (I found that out when I tried to strike up a casual conversation in my early days on the server). Because of this, I came to the conclusion that the odds of there being anyone who would actually shell out a picture of their tits/ass in exchange for Discord Nitro (which more or less just lets you use emojis from any server wherever you want) was next to nonexistent. As such, I realized that if I wanted to actually simp, I’d need to go to some place like OnlyFans and I wasn’t willing to actually waste money in that regard. So, I settled for the second best option.

I’d just throw the $20 at the wall when I saw someone who was willing to “sell” their nudes in exchange for Nitro.

So, I got to work; I was ready to simp like no one has ever simped before. I put on my Vietnam helmet, “Born to Simp” etched onto the side, and smoked a big cigar. Lucky for me, I found one lucky lady who said she’d do “anything” for Nitro. So I got to work requesting what I wanted and lo and behold: I got nothing in return because she likely sent the Nitro link to her main account.

Ten bucks down the drain.

Ideally, anyone with half a brain would realize that the long-term damage from being screwed over like this would have on them, though simping is meant to achieve some sort of dopamine burst because you’re acknowledged by someone who’s out of your league. In my case, while I don’t consider myself to be a good looking man, I’ve had people say my personality is radiant and wonderful. So presumably, my upbeat demeanor makes up for the fact that I look about as pretty as a cockroach. Don’t quote me on that though, I’m sure there’s someone out there who’d approach me asking for a bottle of Valium!

Anyways, I wasn’t deterred by this loss. No, I was determined to experience the real joys of being a simp one way or another. So, with the remaining ten bucks, I approached a lady who offered to record a five-minute-long video of her doing anything in exchange for Nitro! My request?

Recite the Unabomber manifesto while dancing to Cotton Eye Joe.

She declined this and told me she meant something like her masturbating. So, I modified my request to fit her insipid terms.

Masturbate while reciting the Unabomber manifesto.

She accepted this and told me to wait ten minutes. Immediately, I knew this was a scam and after a bit, I messaged her, only to see that I’d been blocked. I was shocked beyond belief; a truly astonishing turn of events that no one with the mental capacity of a bottle of Arizona Green Tea could’ve seen coming.

At this point, I gave up; twenty bucks and I’d failed to achieve what should be one of the easiest things to do on this side of the Milky Way. By some dumb stroke of luck: I managed to fail at shelling out money in exchange for nudes. So, I threw a close friend of mine a birthday gift and got to writing this. Now here I am, contemplating what exactly the appeal of simping is. Truth be told: I don’t know what the exact appeal is.

Even when I came up with the idea of performing “field research” (which typing that makes me laugh because it’s really burning money in exchange for someone anyone can get if they utilize Google), I knew that the end result was going to be either disappointment or groaning. Though even then, at least one can say that someone as desperate, lonely, and self-loathing as me can say it’s only twenty bucks. The thought of spending hundreds or even thousands of dollars on one woman who will never do anything for you other than say “thanks” is mind-boggling. The thought of being so lonely that you need superficial, shallow, meaningless “love” is dumbfounding.

At the same time, I guess it pleases some people. Though it also encourages narcissistic and parasitical behavior from opportunistic people. That really isn’t healthy and can result in someone going bankrupt because they desperately want to be noticed by an e-celebrity. If you’re so desperate for love or affection, I would recommend you try to improve yourself and socialize. Sure, there’s a pandemic, but for God’s sake: just download a dating app or something. Don’t burn money away on someone who is never going to acknowledge you in any meaningful way, let alone date you. Trust me: e-girls are as likely to date you as I am to grow wings and fly over the Kremlin like I’m Mothman.

“But I can’t find anyone via a dating app!” I hear someone cry out. “It just isn’t fair! Nobody loves me!”

Such complaints are commonplace nowadays thanks to the unrealistic expectations set by a world that demands more and more from people who are increasingly younger and younger. I cannot name the number of times I’ve thought to myself that I’m not good enough for someone or good enough at something, only to be constantly reassured that I am good enough. Some girls think I am good enough for them or for someone else, yet I find myself self-loathing because of my flaws.

The fact of the matter is: odds are, you are good enough. The other person may not be looking for someone right now, or they simply don’t think you’re “the one”. That doesn’t immediately mean you’re a failure and if you believe you are one: get a grip. Life isn’t fair, nor is love. However, that shouldn’t mean that you’re going to resort to throwing money at a stranger online because you’re desperate. Now yes, my first (and to date only) relationship was an online one, but I at least waited a while before I dropped money on the person who is now my ex-girlfriend.

Man, I should’ve used that money to invest in Meme Stocks…

Ahem, anyways, I want to round this write-up out by saying: I have no regrets in performing the closest I’ll ever get to “field research” in throwing money at what was obviously two catfishes. Getting to experience what it’s like to be a simp was interesting, though it leaves me more confused than disappointed in myself. I still can’t fully get a grasp on what the appeal of shelling out money to a stranger is, only to get a pitiful level of acknowledgement and maybe a picture of their tits. The Internet is filled with images of naked people, so what’s the purpose of throwing away money on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis for some cheap pleasure?

I guess that’s something I’ll never get the answer to because I’m likely going to crawl back under my rock where I read about unsolved mysteries. Though, if you partake in the world of “simping”, inform me in the comments below what makes you do it. As to the many single folks out there who read this: I hope you find love sooner or later. As for me, I’m single and have a megalist to work on.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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