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Monday, April 6, 2020

Mystery: The Oviedo Dick Monster

Oviedo on a map of Florida.
Salutations, dear reader. I’ve been extremely busy with a massive list as of late, so I apologize for not posting much lately. I don’t know when I will be posting regularly again, but it’ll hopefully be sometime in the not too distant future. For now, let’s have a bit of fun.

I recently tried to get ads put onto this blog so I can make a bit of money—or at the very least to make some so that I can forward it to a good cause, such as me not starving during the dreadful thing known as quarantine. Alas, Google had other plans. Namely, that this blog commits the act of “scraping content”. That’s actually something I’m unfortunately aware of. When it comes to writing, I’ve always been hyper self-conscious and even a bit displeased with how I tend to not add anything new to the table. I’m merely a parrot when it comes to many things, but I want to change that today—or at least I hope to. Okay, maybe not really, I just wanted to post something for the month of April and being told I scrape content motivated me.

Our story today is one that I found while browsing the cryptidz wiki. It was on a page called “The Top Ten Ridiculous Cryptids” and it got a really good laugh out of me when I first saw it. There are a fair number of nonsensical entries and even one that I talked about already (Gef the Talking Mongoose). The one that got the biggest laugh out of me though is called the Oviedo Dick Monster. It’s exactly what it sounds like and it’s everything you’d likely imagine it to be.



The Story

According to the list that I linked above, this creature originates from the town of Oviedo, Florida. It’s located not too far from Orlando, which is where Disney World is. Anyways, in Oviedo, there are allegedly many reports of a cryptid that, when “fully erect”, stands at 7-feet-tall. It’s shaped like, well, a penis, but it has two small legs where the testicles would presumably be. As for where this creature is supposedly sighted, the individual who made the list claims that most sightings occur at night near a location where teenagers go to smoke marijuana. They conclude by stating that all sightings come from stoners.

That’s the entire story, though I wasn’t satisfied with such a meager story. As such, I took it upon myself to go snoop through Google for more. Through the mystical power that is research and detective work, I came up with precisely jack squat. There’s a whooping two pages of results should you Google “The Oviedo Dick Monster” and only one of them isn’t the list that I got this story for. It’s a status on DeviantArt from a user by the name of cooldad and it isn’t even the user who mentions the monster. It’s another user in the comments section named dadinator. This comment was made after the list was posted; the DeviantArt comment on July 28, 2017. The list, however, I cannot find the date for. The earliest comment was posted in 2015 though.

I wasn’t swayed by this though and I decided to remove the word “the” from the search. This brought up a lot more results; 1,800,000 to be exact. I decided to flip through the pages and there’s nothing related to the cryptid that this write-up is centered on. In fact, it’s the exact opposite. There are results from sites like Pinterest and Bloomberg, but neither has anything to do with a walking penis. Though amusingly, the cryptid this write-up is on isn’t even the first result. It’s an article on the website GiantBomb about the ten genital demons in something called Shin Megami Tensei. I guess not even Floridian penis monsters are enough to conquer the evil known as the weeaboo.

Oh well, I wasn’t deterred by this roadblock. So instead, I activated my secret weapon: Bing. You see, whether you’re liberal or conservative, one thing is for certain. Google is a lot more strict when it comes to what is indexed. Some would say they censor while others would merely say they filter out things like “hate speech”. I’m not here to argue about the ethics of such actions though. I personally am indifferent and even a bit supportive of such actions, but if there’s one thing I can say: it’s that Bing often gives you the good stuff when you want to look up questionable material. Case in point: my search results when I typed in “The Oviedo Dick Monster”.

The first result was the list by the cryptidz wiki user.

After that, it’s just porn. Lots and lots of porn. Xvideos, Pornhub, Xhamster, and XNXX (in that order). It’s just a lot of porn. Holy smokes, there’s a lot of porn. Like, dear God in Heaven this is a Coomer’s paradise.

The second page of results is even more porn, though Dick’s Sporting Goods is indexed on this page, as is YouTube. Beyond a lot of smut though, there’s nothing else on the cryptid. I didn’t go past this as there’s 160,000,000 search results and if Bing isn’t indexing the cryptid this early, I doubt page 148 will have the one photograph of a Floridian penis monster. The final result of page 10 is the Red Cross though.

Normally, I’d allege that I used some other search engine, but to be quite honest: I didn’t care to. If neither Google nor Bing has even some fringe blogger page on this, I doubt that Yahoo or even Tor would have anything. As such, it’s time we move onto the theories section.

Theories

1. It’s a real cryptid

First up, we have the theory that this is in fact a real cryptid. While it’d certainly be one of the most fantastical creatures to ever grace the modern era, there’s unfortunately no evidence to support this theory. Though I’m certain there’s at least one person out there who would love for this to be the case.

2. It’s stoners somehow mistaking something for a walking penis

I’ve never smoked Marijuana. Heck, I’ve never smoked anything in my life. The most extreme thing I’ve ever done was when I had a severe episode of depression and I ended up taking two Xanax tablets and drank alcohol. I hated the taste of the liquor so much though that I didn’t get very far and I decided to go for a swim after that.

Overall, I’m a very boring person that talks about penis monsters on the Internet. That said, I do know a bit about narcotics and other substances that people like to do for whatever reason, be it for medicinal purposes or for fun. Marijuana is one that I’ve heard about enough to make me want to saw my limbs off and I can safely say that it isn’t a hallucinogenic substance. While people react differently to substances, I’ve yet to hear a story about a stoner seeing a walking penis. Unless their marijuana was laced with acid.

3. It’s not real

The theory that screams “no duh” from the top of Mount Everest, this theory posits that the penis monster of Florida isn’t real. Nothing else to it, it’s just flatout not real and I’ve spent countless words discussing a 7-foot-tall dick. Pretty great way to spend a Monday if you think about it.

My Take

I’m not buying this story—not one bit. While I think it’s a really funny idea, there’s nothing to it and as such, I’m calling tomfoolery and shenanigans of the highest caliber. More than likely, the cryptidz wiki user made it up to sound funny or they heard it from a local in Oviedo who spoke about it. Of course, there’s always the possibility that Ron DeSantis or Rick Scott covered this up. Grab your tinfoil, lads, Florida is gonna make an army of penis monsters to conquer this planet!

Conclusion

While the Oviedo Dick Monster may not be real, one thing is for certain: it’s quite easily the most amusing cryptid I’ve ever heard of. After going through about 36 different variants of Sasquatch, it’s nice to see a creature that isn’t completely humanoid in its appearance.

Anyways: I hope you all stay safe from the Coronavirus and I will hopefully have something up in May. Until then, I’ll be working on something really exciting. Make your dick joke about that in the comments below if you so wish. I also promise that I won’t try to turn on ads ever again, I’ll just set up a tip jar in the near future.

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